Simple Steps to Become More Assertive and Self-Confident

Your guide to becoming more assertive, ending resentment, people pleasing, and feeling guilty when you say no

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Assertiveness helps you to build contidence, stop people pleasing, release resentment, and be able to say no without guilt.

Much of my life I struggled with anger. At the same time, I struggled with pleasing other people. These two seemingly opposite impulses went hand in hand.

My Journey to Assertiveness

Sometimes it felt like there was a volcano inside me waiting to erupt. Outbursts didn’t happen often, but when they did, it was usually directed toward people I loved deeply. I didn’t physically harm anyone, but I yelled at them, often in public. Afterwards, I felt embarrassed, apologised, and tried to make amends, but it’s hard to undo the damage from a moment of rage.

Looking back, I realise that anger often arises when others violate our boundaries. But at that time, I wasn’t good at expressing what I wanted or setting boundaries - until I started practicing assertiveness.

Alongside assertiveness, I found that Reiki self-healing helped me release stress and let go of the need to react with anger. Reiki not only helped me relax but also guided me with one of its five precepts: “Just for today, I will not be angry.” At first, that was the precept I struggled with the most.

The Trap of People Pleasing

While rage was relatively rare, people pleasing was a daily struggle. I used to say “yes” far too often. That meant I got the action points in meetings, agreed to activities I didn’t enjoy, and resented the time and money it cost me.

Over time, resentment built up. Suppressed resentment and anger don’t just cause emotional distress and outbursts, they can also damage your physical and mental health.

I found it difficult to say no because I feared rejection, criticism, and confrontation. I wanted people to like me. But the truth is, always putting others first isn’t kind to yourself.

When I began saying no, I felt an incredible sense of relief. Instead of alienating people, I noticed that others respected me more. The more honest I was about who I was and what I wanted, the easier I became to be around. Genuine self-expression leads to more authentic friendships and connections.

I discovered that if I love myself and stand up for what I want, I don’t need approval from others. And always going along with what others want isn’t being kind to yourself.

And here’s what surprised me most: the fear of rejection was largely an illusion. Most people were fine with me setting boundaries. And please don’t worry if people are upset, remember you are doing what is right for you and some people may take a little time to get used to that.

Do You Struggle with Assertiveness?

Ask yourself:

• Do you have trouble saying “no” when you want to?

• Do you try to please people and avoid conflict?

• Do you feel people take advantage of you?

• Do you struggle to control your temper?

If you answered yes to any of these, becoming more assertive could transform your life.

What Is Assertiveness?

Assertiveness is about expressing your opinions and feelings while also respecting the rights of others. It means standing up for yourself in a calm and confident way. Assertiveness helps you:

• Say “yes” and “no” when you truly mean it.

• Communicate feelings clearly and calmly without aggression.

• Speak up without fearing conflict.

• Be authentic and express who you are.

When your self-confidence is low, you’re more likely to react passively or aggressively instead of assertively.

Passive, Aggressive, and Assertive Behaviour

Passive behaviour (I lose, you win): You don’t express your feelings, needs, or opinions. You give in to others to avoid conflict. Long term, this leads to stress, resentment, and low self-esteem.

Aggressive behaviour (I win, you lose): You express your needs in an angry or demanding way without respect for others. This damages relationships and creates hostility.

Assertive behaviour (I win, you win): You express yourself honestly while respecting others’ needs and feelings. You protect your own rights without violating theirs. You can and do ask for what you want. You don’t expect others to magically know what you want, and you don’t avoid difficult situations.

Why Assertiveness Matters

If you don’t learn to be assertive, you may experience:

• Anxiety

• Depression

• Resentment

• Frustration

• Stress

• Relationship difficulties

• Anger outbursts

Assertiveness helps prevent these issues and fosters healthier, more respectful relationships.

Your Rights

Everyone has rights. Protecting your rights isn’t selfish, it’s self-respect. As well as being aware of your own rights, if you respect the rights of others, you have the basis for assertive communication. You have the right to:

• Say “yes” and “no” without guilt

• Ask for what you want without guilt

• Express your feelings openly

• Change your mind

• Take time to think before responding

• Be respected and to respect others

• Be yourself and live authentically – don’t live out other peoples’ dreams

• To say “I don’t know”, “I don’t understand” and to take time to think things over.

How People React to Assertiveness

Most people respond positively when you become more assertive. They respect your honesty, and you feel more confident.

At first, it can feel uncomfortable. I used to say: “I’ll need to get back to you on that”, giving myself time to check in with my true feelings before deciding. I checked my gut feeling and asked how much do I really want to do this? If I was still unsure, I asked myself, if I knew the person wouldn’t be upset, disappointed or angry would I say no, and if so, that’s what I did.

Some people may react negatively, especially if they’re used to you always saying yes. That’s okay. Their discomfort doesn’t mean you’re wrong, it means you’re growing. You may need to learn how to deal with that.

It worked best to tell the truth directly but with love and without blame. I was honest about how I felt, without over explaining myself. I found it was about being considerate while sending a clear no.

Assertiveness Techniques

1. The Broken Record Technique - Repeat your decision calmly and firmly without getting drawn into arguments. For example: “I can’t lend you any money. I’ve run out.” No need for excuses or explanations, just repeat your boundary politely and avoid getting drawn into any arguments.

2. Using “I” Statements - These help you take ownership of your thoughts and feelings and keep the focus on the problem without blaming others. Remember you have the right to express your thoughts and feelings assertively.

For example: “I felt upset when you didn’t refill the car because it made me late for work.”

This is more effective than accusing: “You never do anything!” That’s an invitation for an unhelpful argument to start.

3. Saying “No” Without Guilt - Many of us struggle to say "No". To be effective:

• Be honest and firm.

• Avoid over-explaining or apologising excessively. You have the right to say no.

• Offer alternatives if appropriate. For example, “I can’t cook tonight, but I could do it tomorrow.”

• Acknowledge their feelings. “I know this may disappoint you, but I can’t…”

• Remember it is better to be honest than feel resentment for not being able to say "No.”

Putting Assertiveness into Practice

Start small. Practice in safe situations first, then expand as your confidence grows. Over time, your self-respect and confidence will flourish. People will sense this and treat you with more respect in return.

Assertiveness frees you from resentment and guilt — and creates healthier, more authentic connections. Isn’t that better than always going along with the crowd? A crowd you may not even want to be with.

🌐 Learn more about how I can help you with self-confidence, assertiveness, and anager management: calmmindhypnosis.com

🌐 Learn more about how to be confident at social events: https://www.calmmindhypnosis.com/post/social-anxiety-how-to-feel-more-confident-at-social-events